you are not broken

 This was not always the case for Ouma Ridard, a self-taught tattoo artist and

pole dancer based in Cape Town. Her tumultuous relationship with her body

began at age 11, just as puberty hit.  

 

“I remember living in Paris at this point and men around you would constantly

be watching and sexualising you,” says Ouma, who was attending a co-ed school

at the time. “It was particularly bad in school with fellow male pupils passing

comments on your body.”

 

As a child, her family had lived between Cape Town and Paris, before settling

permanently in South Africa when she was 15. She recalls this period as the

beginning of a downward spiral in her relationship with food and her body. 

  

  Ouma developed an eating disorder during her Grade 10 year. This was around

the time that social media platforms like Instagram and Pinterest were becoming

popular. These platforms were overflowing with content promoting an

unattainably thin body type and suggested various extreme diet and

workout plans.

 

According to a 2019 social media user research study into the relationship between social media and eating disorders, over half of a group of one thousand girls were reported to have social-media related eating disorders.  

 

  Ouma and her friends became obsessed with changing their bodies to match the emaciated models they saw online. “We were in boarding school and in complete control, so we basically just starved ourselves on weekdays,” says Ouma.

 

This practice quickly turned into a binge-restrict cycle, something that still plagues her, despite being more under control. “It becomes a mental habit that is difficult to break away from and is now no longer about how I look, but rather is literally just a form of self-hatred.”  

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  Two years post-high school, Ouma discovered yoga and meditation. These practices kickstarted her recovery and journey towards self-love. She became more conscious of her problem when she noticed how many other women in her life were so fixated with how they looked – this was her mental turning point. She wanted to help others and knew that the only way this could work was if she changed her view of herself first.

 

“I had to work on why I felt this way about myself and then needed to work on shifting my focus from self-hatred to a ‘let’s be healthy’ mindset. I had to establish the fact that just because you are thin does not mean you are healthy.”

 

 It struck her that after all the stress and strain that she has put her body through, it continues to carry her every day. This realisation furthered her desire to fix her relationship with herself, and to enjoy her body for what it can do, and not for what it looks like.

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Ouma attributes much of the obsessive nature of diet culture to the internalised patriarchal beauty norms that are instilled within us from a young age.

 

“It’s all skinny white women in movies,” she notes, “and the same portrayed on social media, because that’s the image that is ideal to the male gaze.” Driscoll (1997)  states that men surveil women to such an extent that it is impossible to escape internalising patriarchal beauty norms.

 

Yet Ouma does believe there has been a shift in media and sees more representation in the online sphere. While in a Metro station on a recent trip to Paris, she saw an advertisement for a lingerie company that seemed to be changing the narrative. “The models used were curvy people of colour – that is huge progress because that is representation on a massive billboard in such a public space.” 

  

  Fundamental to her self-love journey was a new focus on what her body could do and how she could move and use it in new ways. This is when her desire to explore pole dancing began, but it was two years before she finally attended a class.

 

“I put it off because of the stigma attached to it, but I really wanted to start because there is something so powerful about watching someone pole dance,” she says. While pole dancing is often associated with stripping, and submission to the male gaze, Ouma connects with it as an empowering art form. “For me, both are amazing and should be seen as a talent. However, I do think this narrative is shifting as more people are beginning to appreciate the art.” 

 

 Professional pole dancer and teacher Amy Bond makes the same point in an article published in Healthline. Pole dancing, Bond says, is now seen for its ability to empower participants and connect them with their sexuality, rather than being seen as taboo. 

 

  Beyond the empowering feeling Ouma gets from using her body’s strength to suspend herself in mid-air, the support and lack of judgement within the pole dancing community remind her daily of just how little the size of your body matters. She explains, “Doing pole made me realise you can weigh whatever and still fly up in the air,” she says. “It’s all about strength building.”  

  

  Ouma’s passion for helping others in their journeys to self-love also drives her in the work that she does. Tattooing is something she has loved since she was young; she got inked for the first time when she was only 15. Since then, she has evolved it into an established career for herself, connecting with clients through her Instagram account, @oumspokes and tattooing within the comfort of her apartment in town. 

 

  It has been a way for her to channel self-love by decorating areas that she previously was self-conscious about. She explained, “I didn’t really like my thighs, so I got two big tattoos on them and then all I wanted to do was show them off. I love to encourage this on my clients too.”

 

She hopes that each person she encounters in her work leaves feeling better about themselves than

when they arrived. This motivated her to run an innovative campaign: she designed personal body

tattoos for people based on photos they sent of themselves. Then each person would get a picture

of their body on their skin as an ‘ode to themself’. She sees the body as a canvas, and an

opportunity to reclaim power over our appearances. 

 

Ouma says that there are still days when she struggles to approach her body with love. She has

recently been travelling in Europe, working as an artist in various tattoo parlours. This has involved

a change in routine – she has not been able to exercise, nor has she been able to eat how she

normally would. “I went through a moment where I was not identifying with what I was seeing in

the mirror, so I had to take a step back and ask myself ‘where is this coming from and why is

this affecting me?’”

 

In moments of doubt, she reminds herself of what her body does for her and how her looks are the least interesting thing about her. She believes that her body is not a sculpture made for the pleasure of others, but rather a vessel that takes her through life and allows her to experience joy.